I’m tired, and that’s ok.

I’m tired.

The crying, the tantrums, the sassy-ness, the accidents, the mess, the constant touching and needing to sit right on top of you, always needing someone to play with, needing something as soon as you sit down, it’s an on going thing with kids. Just when you think your going to be able to relax for 5 minutes something else comes up. Your a parent, that’s what happens!

It doesn’t really end, until they are out on their own and finally doing things for themselves. But then the constant worrying you have for them, constantly wondering if they are safe, if what they do next is a good idea, if they understand the consequences to the decision they just made, always second guessing yourself wondering if you raised them “properly”.

All you want to do is protect them, and you look back on the days where said you can’t wait until they are independent and can do things on their own so you could just relax and have some time to yourself. but now your regretting it because you can’t protect them anymore like you used to be able to, nor do they want you to, they are becoming the independent people you wanted them to become.

Having children is the most amazing thing in the world, watching them grow into beautiful people is the most rewarding thing ever, don’t take it for granted because it goes by fast, I am tired and that’s ok it’s normal! It’s the amazing part of being a parent and I wouldn’t change it for anything because I know the day they don’t need me to help them get a drink or a snack, or the day they don’t need me to tuck them in for bedtime, or the day they don’t need/want me to drive them somewhere because they have their licence and just want to hangout with their friends, I will cry, it will break my heart but in a good way, because it will show me I’ve done a good job it will show me that even tho I’m sad my kids are growing up I’m excited for them to experience life independently, and they will know that no matter what life throws at them, their dad and I will ALWAYS be there for them because as a parent that’s what you do.

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Blink.

There is 365 days, 8760 hours, 31536000 seconds in a year, it seems like a lot, like you have a lot of time for different things, But just like that everything could change in the blink of an eye.

Everything in life happens for a reason, some things are good and some are bad, life is really what you make it. You need to work for everything in life, nothing will be handed to you on a silver platter, and I don’t just mean things like money, and clothing or jobs, I mean relationships, they need work, they need effort.

Relationships are an important part of a persons life wether it be a friendship, a romantic relationship or even just a work relationship, they are all important in our everyday life’s. Unfortunately not all relationships last, and we have to find ways to live without them, sometimes it’s easy or just for the best, but sometimes it’s insanely hard and nothing you imagined it would be,

Nothing in life comes easy, so obviously loosing someone close to you Isn’t an easy thing to go through, especially when you didn’t see it coming, when things are thrown in your face out of the blue it’s like a giant stab to the heart that you didn’t see coming, all of a sudden just when you thought things were great it turns out they weren’t and that makes it even harder to deal with.

Coming into 2018 I said I was going to change, be a better person for my husband and kids, I said I wasn’t going to let people walk all over me or treat me badly, I wasn’t going to let anyone try to control me, and I’m sticking to it no matter the consequences, sometimes in life you just have to put your foot down and say enough is enough.

My relationship with my husband and kids have NEVER been better and I wouldn’t change that for the world, so obviously whatever I’m doing to be a better person, and worrying about myself and dealing with my depression is working because I’m finally feeling happy, and that’s what matters to me the most, I’ve spent far to long worrying about other people and what they think of me and if I’m good enough for them or worrying about if I had enough friends, real true friends, but the thing is it doesn’t matter to me anymore because I have my husband and kids, so if other people can’t accept the new me then that’s to bad, I don’t need them, it will hurt to loose some but at the end of the day they do say “you loose some, you gain some.”

So who knows, even those everything in life can change in the blink of an eye, There is nothing you can really do but look at all the positives on the other side ❤

My children do matter enough.

It came to my attention today that since I have recently let a lot of people go from my everyday life, it has also made those people absent from my children’s life. Now I’m a huge believer that if you want to be apart my children’s life’s then YOU need to make the effort, I refuse to chase people around and bag them to be involved in their everyday life’s. And despite anything we may have been through, if you had a good relationship with my kids before this I would never keep them from you, so don’t try and use me as your excuse!

Now I get it people have their own life’s, they are busy, children of their own to take care of and whatever else, and that is totally fine, I’m not asking you to text or call me 500 times a day to see what they are doing every waking second of their life, BUT when you are “family” and you go days, even weeks without asking, then I have a problem.

Growing up without having “family” there ALL the time really makes me want a different life for my children, and the way I see it is if you choose to only keep up with their life’s through my social media then you can kiss that goodbye because I REFUSE to let anyone only have a relationship with my children through a screen, if you choose to only check up on them through a text message every few weeks when you live no more then an hour away then I’m sorry but I don’t feel as tho you truly deserve a spot in my children’s life.

I have let people like that go for a reason, as well as many other reasons but for my kids sake I REFUSE to let people in and out of their life’s as they please, or as they see fit. My kids deserve better then that and have people in their life who love them more then life it’s self and when they grow up and realize why those people were taken out of their life’s they will understand and thank us, because although you might be sitting there reading this thinking ” ya whatever, your loss I have other family/friends” or whatever your thinking, but the truth is NO, it’s YOUR loss because I have some really kick ass kids and it’s truly a shame that your choosing to “forget” them and let that relationship go for whatever reason.

Let me help tell your story!

Sometimes having a blog isn’t always easy, I mean I can write whatever I want really but it’s a matter of getting people to read it right?

I didn’t start a blog to just talk about my life constantly, considering most of you are strangers you might not understand what I’m even talking about and how much fun is that!

Blogging has really helped me in so many different ways, I have truly come to love it and want to do it more!

I plan on expanding what I write about, it’s not only going to be about me and my life, but other people and their experiences or issues. I want my blog to be inspiring to other people, something they can look at and be like I can relate to that. I want to tell not only my story but other peoples stories as well, if they are ok with it of course! ( no names will be used ! ) I have a love for this and I want to continue it!

So if you have a story you want told, or something to say but don’t want to say it yourself for whatever reason let me know !! I would love to try and help ❤

New year, New me kind of thing.

The first week of 2018 is almost over and it’s been a great week so far ! Going into 2018 I New I had to make so many changes in my life such as the people I had in it and interacted with everyday, as well as my health and self esteem.

It’s been 5 days since I started weight watchers and I am extremely excited to see where this journey takes me. I am having so much fun with it, eating so much better, feeling great, I have never been the type to eat healthy and yet I haven’t had junk once this week! That’s HUGE for me! Even drinks, I’ve had nothing but water and that is extremely huge for me since I hate water ! It’s really nice feeling good, I still have my days where I have no energy and feel terrible but I guess that’s what comes with having a chronic illness and depression.

I told myself that going into 2018 I was going to be more positive and I really have been trying! And It helps not having negative people in my life anymore. Its only been a week but I really plan to keep up with what I’m doing, it’s been so nice feeling this way and this might be exactly what I need to get out of this funk.

I can’t wait to start seeing results with weight loss. I can’t wait to start feeling good about myself again and enjoying the way I look. I want nothing more but to finally feel good in my own body again. I would love to workout more but it’s very hard to find time and energy. But the way I look at it is one step at a time! I’ll start with the healthy eating and work my way into working out.

I totally suggest to people that want to do better and change things in their life that they don’t like to DO IT! it is absolutely worth it, it’s a feeling that you won’t forget and you will enjoy! Stop making excuses on why you can’t or shouldn’t and JUST DO IT !

I pray <3

For all the people that think depression isn’t real, I pray you never wake up feeling instantly sad and have no urge to get out of bed but know you have to because you have kids that need you. I pray that you never have to feel so alone even tho you have so many people in your life. I pray you never have to fight with your own mind, to the point you feel mentally and emotionally crippled, I pray you never have to cry alone in your room even though you have people you can talk to, but you don’t want to burden them or just simply are at a loss for what to say, you don’t know how to explain how your feeling because you don’t understand it yourself so how would anyone else? I pray you never have to wonder why you’re that way, and wish you could fix it but can’t. I pray you never have to hear somebody say you’re just being emotional, and make you feel crazier than you already feel, or have people you thought would be there for you not even take the time once to ask how your doing. I pray you never just burst into tears in any setting or time or place for no reason, and feel immediately embarrassed and ashamed. I pray you never feel like you’re constantly stuck between a rock and hard place no matter how many times you say to yourself you’re going to turn things around. If you haven’t been through this, if you have never had depression then you don’t understand what it’s like everyday. Sometimes it’s easy to just put a smile on a pretend everything is ok, but it’s really not, but it’s easier to lie to people and tell them your ok because it’s not fun being “ that person “ who always complains and is a negative Nancy.

That’s a big reason why I decided to start blogging, because I don’t care if people read it or not, it just feels good to write it down.

New year, new me.

Christmas is finally over ! I mean don’t get me wrong I absolutely LOVE Christmas time now that I have kids, but it’s just so busy and stressful, and it goes by so fast ! All that planning and spending money for one day ! It’s insane !

Then comes New Years, time to celebrate everything you want to happen in the new year, be a “resolutioner”, decide how your going to change !

I have a few things on my list for what I want to change and I plan on working my ass off to do them !

My main thing is my self confidence, I have to start eating better not only to look better but for my health, I need to make a change or my health will never get better. I would love to add exercise to this goal but I’m not going to say how much exercise because even if it’s just a few squats and sit ups a day to me that’s great !

My second goal would probably be to truly be a better person, no more gossip, no more listening to people’s bullshit, no more letting people make me feel a certain way about someone just because they don’t like them, no more letting people bring me down because of my past mistakes, no more allowing people to walk all over me, and no more allowing people to blame me for shit I had nothing to do with or was a total bullshit lie.

Becoming a better person is a huge thing, and to do that I need to cut a lot of people out of my life, it’s going to suck and I’m sure it will hurt, but it’s something I have to do because unfortunately those people as perfect as they think they are, they play a huge role in why was the way I was and I don’t want that anymore, I don’t need or want people like that in my life.

My third goal is to fix relationships I think are worth fixing, relationships I think never should have been broken in the first place but somehow it happened because well not everyone is perfect, shit happens, but I do believe in second chances, at least sometimes I do.

Sometimes I forgive to easily. And I get burned in the end. And sometimes I continue to allow that to happen. But I’m not going to anymore. I am choosing to ignore those people and to let them go because I truly don’t think they will ever treat me different. They will always continue to think I’m the person I used to be and maybe that’s my fault but it’s not the case at all. People CAN and DO change, the people that don’t see it are the people that we don’t allow to see it because of how many times they have hurt us. So if you don’t see that I’ve changed it’s because you don’t deserve to ! You don’t deserve to no the great true person I can be, you don’t deserve to be apart of my life, and the way I see it is that’s on you, not me !

So if I have ever hurt you in someway feel free to message me and we can talk about it, I’ll be 100% honest I promise, either you can handle the truth or you can’t but I’m not going to lie. I am truly sorry if I have ever hurt you I really am and if you are apart of my life right now then I promise that will never happen again, as for the people I am choosing to cut out of my life I’m sorry but your not innocent and there is a reason your gone.

So happy New Years everyone ! Cheers to a better you ! 👌🏻

Torn

Ever feel torn about something in your life? Wether it be torn about what to wear, where to eat, what to buy, what to do that day, or things such as what to say to someone who has hurt you, or torn between if you should be the bigger person or not.

So many times in my life I have always chosen to take the high road, be the bigger person, do the right thing and makes things better because it’s easier then dealing with drama and conflict.

So many times I have just given up on what I believe in because I’m a people pleaser, I truly love to make everyone happy, I don’t like when people are upset, life is to short to live it angry with people that really don’t deserve it. I mean don’t get me wrong there are plenty of people that deserve to never be forgiven, but for the people that do it’s always easier to just be the bigger person and let it all go, say your apologies and drop it.

As I’m trying to become a better person, I have realized that I don’t need to always be the bigger person, it’s ok for me to just let those people go for good and choose to not have them in my life at all, it’s ok to put my foot down and stand for what I believe in. I can’t make everyone happy anymore, and my whole life that’s what I’ve always tried to do, I was always torn between making everyone else happy or making myself happy and I’ve come to realize I don’t need to do that anymore, because the fact is if I’m truly not happy myself, then how could I possibly be able to make other people truly happy..

So from now on, I’m going to take the time I need to only worry about making myself and the people that really matter happy , I’m not going to let people make me feel torn anymore.

Confessing <3

Having depression has brought out so many different things in my life when it comes to feelings and emotions, and besides the being extremely insecure about myself I find the next worse feeling that comes with my depression is loneliness, it’s not like I’m actually lonely I have my kids with me all the time, and when my husband isn’t working he’s with me to.. So it’s not that I feel lonely when it comes to family, because they make me feel like the most important person in the world.

Its friends that make me feel lonely, I have a couple close friends that make an effort to be in my life and ask how I’m doing, I have some that make an effort to text me all the time and visit with me, I’m a home body so I hate going out, they know that and either they accept it or they don’t, like I’ve said before I’m done trying to please everyone else! It’s impossible to do, so why waste all my energy on people who don’t deserve it, when I should be putting all my time and energy into the people that do.

I’ll go out when I feel like it, but having a chronic illness makes it’s difficult to feel good enough to do much. A lot of people don’t understand that because I look fine on the outside, but how I truly feel on the inside is a different story, I don’t like to constantly tell people about how I’m feeling because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me and I don’t want people to worry about me, so I always say I’m fine or ok when most of the time I’m not.

I’ve been working very hard on changing the type of person I am lately, it’s something I’ve needed to do for a while, and I’m enjoying it! Sometimes it’s hard to sit here and know that the people that constantly talk shit behind my back have no idea I know, I would love to just tell them I know, but really what’s the point? It’s better to just let it go and look at the positives which is clearly they have nothing better to do with their life’s then talk about me, and for their sake I really hope they do find something better to do because I’m really not that important. 😂

I’m no angel I’ve talked shit about my friends before, multiple times actually, it’s natural people gossip, I laugh when someone tells me they hate people that gossip because they do it to know matter how much they deny it lol! And I laugh at my self as well because I used to deny it to, I was one of those people until recently, I realized I don’t want to be that person anymore, I want to be someone people can trust, I want to be a good person, if you ask me if Ive talked about you ill tell you the truth because that’s the kind of person I want to be, I want to be honest. I have realized that there is more to life then drama and petty bullshit, and I don’t want to be apart of any of it.

My best friend and I have recently become closer then we have ever been, and that’s because we both realized we needed to change and wanted to become better people and have better people in our life’s, and so we got together went for coffee and confessed to all our mistakes we’ve made and said about each other, and it was the greatest thing we could of done. Its actually her that gives me the motivation everyday to become a better person, I’ll forever be thankful for her and our friendship and I’m so glad that we could own up to everything we’ve said and work on it like adults.

I have realized it’s not hard to be a better person if you want to, it’s the people around you that make it hard, if you keep letting those negative people try and bring you down and remind you of your mistakes constantly you’ll never change, that’s why it’s best to let them go, they don’t need to be in your life if that’s how they are going to be, so let them go and move on to the people who matter and will only help you become the person you want to be. ❤

Making an effort.

Before I had kids I never really had a problem with people walking in and out of my life. I was used to it, it never really effected me anymore, It was a regular thing for me, I would always let people just walk all over me, I never stood up for myself.

Until I had kids I didn’t actually see how much it effected people when people do things like that, I didn’t realize how hurtful it was to have people in and out of your life whenever they wanted or it was convenient for them, It really didn’t start to effect me until it started to effect my kids.

There is nothing more heartbreaking then having my child get used to having someone in their life and then all of a sudden they are gone and I have to try and explain to my child why, explain to them it wasn’t their fault, remind them that although those people might not be around anymore, there is still so many people that will be, that will make an effort to be in your life, that love you more then life its self, that will always be there and will never leave, explain that sometimes things happen that we cant control and thats just how life is.

Kids are pressious, they don’t understand “adult” things, they don’t understand why someone would just all of a sudden disappear from their life. Its heartbreaking to have a child ask to talk to that person or to see them but they cant.

As parents its our job to protect our children from people like this, people that don’t care about who they are hurting by doing what they are doing, people that only think about themselves. Im not going to beg someone to be apart of my child’s life, if you want to be apart of it then its your job to make that effort to do so, and same goes for anyone else with kids or even yourself, there is zero reason why anyone should have to beg people to be apart of your life, if they wanted to they would.

Dont let people walk all over you, Don’t let people bring you down, Don’t let people come in and out of your life whenever it works best for them. Put your foot down, Show them you really don’t need people like that in your life at all, show them you don’t have time for their bull-crap, you have so many other people who truly care about you and your family.

So take the time to enjoy those people, forget about the other ones, life is to short to always worry about the people that really don’t matter, put your energy into the ones that do!

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